5 Years on - Stronger

We celebrated our 5th anniversary over the weekend. We had a blast with a big group of family and friends. It was touching and intimate, and it was extremely fun. Oh and the food was great. We still can't believe that we've been married for half a decade. It felt short, but at the same time felt as though we've been together forever (in a good way).  5 years on, I know this marriage has been strengthened, refined and our love has gone deeper. I used to fantasize a wedding and marriage filled with romance and surprises and somehow along the years I was still hit with bouts of insecurity of whether such would ever be fulfilled and if I would ever learnt to be contented. As we crossed the midnight mark stepping into our 6th year of marriage, I closed my eyes and asked God for His word. It was contentment, I suddenly could look back at everything with eyes of contentment of what God has given to me. It was beautiful. I recalled my wedding as a wonderful memory, the times of disappointments I couldn't seem to let go over the years became lessons learnt and forgiven and most importantly, the 5 years of walking through the ups and downs were the best thing that has ever happened. I know Kel better and I know how much I am loved and cherished. Not a single doubt. I suddenly understood contentment. I think the past one year has shaped us (me especially) into  new people and I confidently say the old has gone. 

I remember the day after diagnosis, I had conversation with Ailing (Kel's elder sis) and she said that her brother is the best person to walk through this journey with me. I couldn't agree more, because over the months, so many people have commented on how amazing Kel has been. I couldn't agree more. I have never seen him as steady as this and he has been my pillar in every area. 

We are so different. The marriage prep test we took before we got married exposed our differences. We got married and there was no end to comparing our different we are. We laugh about them, we bicker, we argue, we cry over them. At some point we were so helpless that we thought, maybe we need some help to deal with our differences. But one thing I took my hat off is that he has never given up. Despite having difficulties to express himself like any other guy, he strived to communicate his thoughts, he took so much efforts to be the man to me. Today, he picks up my dirty laundry, he washes all my dishes, he picks up my shoes. He bathes Janice, he puts her to bed, he attends to all our needs. Janice and I are very blessed. 

I have learnt to sit back over the year to enjoy this wonderful relationship God has given to me. I realized that I have been too critical and harsh towards Kel and towards myself over the years. Sitting back has caused me to learn contentment and just giving thanks to my mighty God who knows me best to have provided for me the best. Someone who is so different but accepting of every part of me. Someone who is willing to complement my weaknesses with his strength without a single word of complaint. Someone who has never stopped loving despite my hurtful words in midst of my pain. Someone whom I can stroke his hair and his back whilst he's asleep, just thanking God that we are husband and wife. Someone whom I know Janice is in good hands because his love is sacrificial and unpretentious. 

Happy 5th Anniversary my darling. We enter into our 6th year looking up and holding tight to His grace. I love you more each day. really....

 With continuous joy and laughter .... 

and with a deep gratitude. I will cherish you, many, many years to come .... 

Love, Wifey

5th Anniversary Video

I couldn't upload this on Fb, hope this channel works! Thank you Vic, Lucia and Jia Jia for putting this touching video together. I had to hide in my hall and watch it again, holding Kel's hands and crying :)

From L-R: Vic, Me, JJ, Lucia, XD, Lynn

From L-R: Vic, Me, JJ, Lucia, XD, Lynn

We had an awesome weekend of celebrations. Our 5th wedding anniversary fell on Saturday, 12 May and it was also Mothers' Day yesterday. Before I blog about the wonderful husband I have and my thoughts about the 5th Year, I thought I will write about a group of very important people in my life.

I am very blessed to have met these group of girlfriends in SAJC (2 more girls missing: Yetty and Lilin). Ok, Lynn was kind of a special friend out of the group (one of my ang moh speaking friends - haha) and the rest of 7 of us kind of hung out almost everyday. Anyway before I go on about our history, I want to say a big thank you to you girls in the pic. I booked the venue for my anniversary party, sent out invites via FB but the mastermind behind the touching and fun party were them. Vic took up the role as the event organizer (once a bridesmaid, always a bridesmaid) and she did her delegation: slideshow, games, decor, photo booth, sharing etc. I did nothing and just dressed up and rock up to the party. Even the dress was chosen by Vic and the make up half done by JJ. Thank you, it was exactly how I'd love the party to be and I know you girls made it possible because you love me (us - esp Janice)

I realized I seldom make much mention of my friends on FB/Blog. But you girls have been pivotal in so many junctures of my life. I remembered being reluctant to be in SAJC, Arts faculty, but 2 years there turned out to be one of the best years of my life, mainly because of the friends I made. I can't believe we have grown up together for the past XX years and walked each other through different phases of life. I remembered Vic once shared in my wedding that majority of our friendship was spent long distant (with me spending 11 years in Brisbane) but I can't express how glad to be back in Singapore enjoying the friendship in closer proximity. I thank God for no barriers even after more than a decade being away and I look forward to every single meet up and catch up.

Thank you for taking the effort to visit me and encourage me through this time (plus traveling!). It must have been shocking/hard for you to hear the news when I fell sick and I think we all had some form paradigm shift about life. One of the things I thought about was for Janice to be able to spend as much time with you girls because that's where she's also going to get a dose of who mummy's friends are and how mummy is like. So thank you for loving me, for loving Janice and for the smiles and encouragements you have given to me. You girls are the "bestest" friends anyone could have. I love you!

p.s. Lilin and Yetty, I'm still waiting for two of you to be back!!! :)

Topic of Grace through the wisdom of my Dad

The past 3 weeks have been a whirlwind. I spent about 1/2 of it staying in the hospital. I felt sicker than I ever did for the past 10 months since the cancer was discovered. I went through a couple of "minor" procedures, some was ok, some left me traumatized. I think I really went to the pits. I cried easily and the 2 days after discharged, I felt that I was really in the ruts. I couldn't get out of imagining the worst of everything. I kept thinking how it would be like to have the disease beyond control and how my funeral might look like. I couldn't bear to part with everything, Janice, Kelvin, and all my love ones. Everyday was a blur, and I swung from laughing with Janice to crying like a baby. My brother helped to sort out some thoughts and I figured it's healthy to plan and pen what I would like to see (legally and also other aspects like parenting values etc.). All these planning were logical and in planning, I can then fully put it aside. Since planning is necessary whether I am in this situation or not. In all these to learn to trust God for God, not His healing, not His provision. Just Him, because His plans are good. 

the turning point came 2 days ago. I had the most amazing conversation with my dad. He told me how I am so blessed (and the family) to have gone through many phases of life. From the time I was born, to have grown up, gone through university, found a man I love and loves me, and gave birth to the an amazing daughter till now is the grace of God. He said firmly. He said the grace of God has been upon all our lives even before he knew Jesus. He shared life stories of the number times he could have gone bankrupt, or lost his life but the grace of God we are where we are, not needing to worry about finances even through this tough time. He said when I got diagnosed, he told himself to not ask why, but focus on how to get the family together to stand through this. He asked me if I was happy, because he is. The family is standing closer than ever, and the grace of God is giving us more than sufficient strength to walk through every step.

He said that we can have lots of knowledge. We can even finish the bible many times. But we can never fathom the timing and the plans of God. We are not God. We don't know what happens tomorrow. But we can know that God's grace will enable us to make the right decisions and persevere because of the Holy Spirit living in us. Our sole responsibility is to trust in Him and trust in His plans, His timing. It is about an unrelenting spirit to keep going at every juncture. But when we trust and pray, we can never have conditions attached. We ask, we plead, we believe, but "no conditions" he said. We ask God daily to reduce your pain and get you better, but still, "no conditions attached" Because we have no rights to attach conditions, God is God, we are to remain humble always.

The depth of my dad's convictions humbled me. His wisdom gave me so much light and helped me recognize that though I feel like I am walking in the valley, there is this amazing grace, truly more than sufficient. Every juncture, nook or turn; obstacles or just through a plain day. His grace enables and in my weakness I boast of this power I have from above. 

I thank God for an amazing family and friends who has never given up to love and believe. There was never a word of despair or discouragement, never a word of complaint. I am truly blessed, and I am happy. Because of this grace, because of this love. 

Introducing Moots, Toots and Hoots

One big thing I am grateful about was to be still paid even though I was effectively MIA in FOFTS (Focus on the Family Singapore). For a good 5 months, I was paid and nothing was expected on my end. A kindness I felt I didn't deserve. I felt a little restless by the 6th month and asked if there was anything I could do. 

I then embarked into this incredible world of writing and illustrating children storybooks based on the themes of a program that we run for parents and their pre-schoolers. I was clueless, but it was such a great experience to explore creating my own characters, having a stint at writing some short stories (I think I was obsessed a while to get my sentences to rhyme all the time!) and illustrating the book based on the stories. Eventually, the project couldn't continue on because of a variety of reasons.  I've done a couple of books (the pictures above are some of the illustrations done) but they have yet to reach the soft copy, ready-to-print stage. But it has been such a fun time (sometimes tiring because of the long hours sitting - drawing and coloring). So who knows, I might pick it up again down the road, so if you e-v-e-r see it at the new stand/bookshop, please pick up a copy :) I should do a poll and see if I have enough supporters to continue this project haha.

I have officially ended my season at FOTFS, but this family will forever be close to my heart. I saw how the key people juggled the the different commitments they had to walk the talk. The ministry is a great and needed one, so if you have not heard about it, please click on the link to its website. They also have resources online on topics related to family. And if you share the convictions and passion to strengthen families, the first step could be to DONATE to the ministry or be a VOLUNTEER :) 

A Delight to be a Disciple

After I was D overdosed last week, a friend (was my j.c. teacher) dropped me a message reminding me of a couple of scriptures: Psalm 37:3-4 and John 11:1-43.

I sat on the word (not literally!) for a few days as I worked through a couple of struggles in my heart. I sensed the freedom to keep my life (and my thoughts) simple as I learn to walk with the Lord e.v.e.r.y. s.i.n.g.l.e. d.a.y.

Desires - my desires are met by my Lord and I shall not be in want. He satisfy all my needs and knows of all my desires. 

Disciple - Above all my roles on earth, I am a disciple of Christ. Like Peter, and many others in the bible, I have flaws and weaknesses. But I choose to believe in the death and resurrection of Jesus. To believe and live out His word and put fulfilling His commission above my plans. To know that sometimes He takes time to mould me, He uses circumstances to shape me, all because He loves me.

Delight - In waiting, instead of seeing it as a Delay thus discouragement, I learn to delight. It teaches me to have a grateful heart. A bitter spirit eats up the joy, and crushes the spirit. I've seen how bitter I can get when I face struggles in parenting, in my marriage, and life in general. Thus I will learn to take Delight as His Disciple. Wouldn't you? If you know that you are a disciple to the great high priest, the wonderful counselor, and the great King over the heaven and earth. He who will freely give - Love, guidance, wisdom and power. 

My human mind can only comprehend how hard and impossible all the above is. But the gentle holy spirit will tell me, keep it simple because" surely I am with you, till the very end of age (Matthew 28:20, Jesus' last words)"

Growing up fast!

Dear Janice,

You're growing up fast! I found a picture of you still swimming in my tummy, about 2 weeks before you popped. And now, you're swimming like a little mermaid, quite fearless in the waters.

You are the biggest joy in our lives, amusing us with your funny statements and witty thoughts. You surprise us with creativity and taught us to look at things in a whole new perspective. You sometimes wake up a grouch but most days wake up like a little sunshine, beaming through your smiles and fill the house with your endless chats.

At 3.5 years old, you have not much problem expressing your thoughts and feelings, and of course your "wants". You enjoy adding and subtraction; likes doing homework [except for chinese :( ]. Your life is filled with pretend play, and you seem to have endless bouts of energy that people often asked how we kept up with you. Though you may not be the "run and climb" around sort, but besides watching and the TV, painting and during meals (you have no choice) you are constantly on a move.

Janice, you're well loved and I pray that the foundation given at home helps to build a healthy sense of security in you. Constantly surrounded by your grandparents, you lack nothing but has been given abundance (toys inclusive), so remember to always treat your love ones in gentleness and love!

You're easily excitable (like your daddy) so its always fun to plant little surprises for you because of the way you eyes lit. Even your Gong Gong and Popo hide toys, plan surprise random trips to the parks, buy Bao (Your love for Bao is another story of its own) for you after school just to see that bright eyes and hear that contagious giggle. 

When we talk about you, we are filled with pride because we are proud of you. We are filled with immense thanksgiving because you are really God's gift to us. Especially to me, you've given me strength and taught me to live each day with joy.

Love you dearly,

Mummy

D overdosed.

It's been a while since I blogged. Its not that life has been that uneventful. But I am just unmotivated. I think being unmotivated to blog is just the surface, i am just unmotivated in general. So I pondered, prayed, D factors came to mind. 

Firstly this blog is Disorganized and I have been hoping that the categories are neater, and the hoping that to give the blog a face-lift. But as you can see, I am still hoping since no actions has been taken. The blog is just one area, there are many areas in my life that I am hoping to see improvements and the truth is that I need (and I want to) take responsibilities over them.

Then came the Discouragements. Ever since the last PET, things went a little downhill, health wise. I fell sick, then there was a bout of cough that lasted a couple weeks, then there was the fractured rib, and I felt easily tired and breathless all over again. All these just felt like a drag and in that few weeks, I really struggled in my devotions and even my bible reading program was on pause. 

So all in all led to a Disarray of priorities. Ever since the start of the year, I have been praying and asking God to direct us (especially for me). Plans, my focus, what's the next step, how I could meaningfully spend my time etc. Though there were the downtimes (health wise again), I feel well enough most days to want to do something. Not just pacing around thinking of where to have my lunch, but "do something" constructive. 

Therefore, I have been doing a lot more, took up projects at my (ex) workplace, serving in the worship ministry, re-conquering my kitchen, meal planning, attempted pilate, home learning plans for J, reorganizing J's room, attend a conference and many other items on the list. And so, I started feeling frustrated. I fell back to my usual bad habits again: Doing and not being able to differentiate what's important and what should be under the good to do, but not the priority list. Where is God leading me, have I stopped to ask? "Let go" there are just some things that are not important, I don't have to achieve them all. 

De clutter needs to take place. I am now back on track with my bible reading program. I am talking to God to figure out what's my call for this season. I am also trying not to focus on the uncertainties that I am incapable of figuring out the outcome (like my health). The husband has a silent retreat planned up for me (all by myself) so the only one I communicate to in that 2 days is God. I am learning to feel at ease to say no to projects (and no to myself). As I am typing all these, I am taking Deep breaths because the most important thing I need to learn is to relax my tense muscles and trust God for His full control. 

p.s. by the way, this post came totally un-planned. In the midst of silence on my blog over the past few weeks/months, there were many note worthy posts, most of them to point to me of God's faithfulness. So tonight, I thought I should give Him the due honor and to somehow blog them down as my "future reference". I needed to start somewhere and was going to write a post about an encounter I had last week. But I got intercepted by D thoughts above. So somehow, I Digressed real bad and will have to Defer my entry because I am now seriously sleepy after this long post. Ha :)

There, I am now overdosed with D :) 

~D end~

Updates: The journey continues

Looks like this leg of the journey is still ongoing. 4 PET scans, 7 Xrays, 6 CT scans, countless blood tests, 6 cycles of Chemo, 6 days of radiation and 3 months of oral drug treatment later, the journey hasn't ended. 8 months ago, I didn't know how long this journey would be and even wondered if that would be the final leg of my journey. 

So at this point, I am still not sure how long it is going to take. Reports from the PET scan and blood test done 2 days ago shows a good and not so good results. The main tumor in the lung (radiated on earlier) has reduced further, and the affected bones and lymph nodes seem to be gone :) The guys who did my PET even thought that these areas were radiated on therefore got better, but we did not. In fact, that was our litmus test to see if the oral drug is actually working and it seems that the drug is working, miraculously. But there're new growths in the same lung and an ovarian cyst which we are still unsure of their "toxicity". Blood test also reflected better readings for one marker and a rise for the other. So after many months, the oncologist continues to conclude me as her most challenging case. I'm still feeling fine physically, so we joked perhaps the problem lies in the machine! Even my dad started to doubt if I was really sick. 

I was a little disappointed though I am still convinced of God's hands upon my life. The God I know who's the almighty and omnipotent God remains true yesterday, today and tomorrow. After some tears last night, I am woke up this morning to be renewed by the promises of God. The 'pause' is not a total halt, I sense a time of preparation, sharpening of vision and building us towards it. 

Psalm 112

 ¹ Praise the LORD.^[b]   Blessed is the man who fears the LORD, who finds great delight in his commands. ² His children will be mighty in the land; the generation of the upright will be blessed. ³ Wealth and riches are in his house, and his righteousness endures forever. ⁴ Even in darkness light dawns for the upright, for the gracious and compassionate and righteous man. ⁵ Good will come to him who is generous and lends freely, who conducts his affairs with justice. ⁶ Surely he will never be shaken; a righteous man will be remembered forever. ⁷ He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD. ⁸ His heart is secure, he will have no fear; in the end he will look in triumph on his foes. ⁹ He has scattered abroad his gifts to the poor, his righteousness endures forever;his horn will be lifted high in honor.

 ¹⁰ The wicked man will see and be vexed, he will gnash his teeth and waste away; The longings of the wicked will come to nothing. 

Pause

Whilst I was doing my devotions this morning, I suddenly had the picture of Janice tapping on the pause button when she was asked to do something in the midst of her watching video clips (she learnt that herself...kids nowadays). But I felt in my heart that God had somehow hit my pause button some 8 months ago.
In the midst of that 'pause' He has allowed me to filter and figure what matters most.
Many things took its 'pause' over the last 8 months. Career was one, I did way less housework, and many daily routines that sort of fell into place to work around the schedules. But in that midst, my worship grew, my devotions grew, my faith grew. My role as a mom, a wife grew (I tried to spend more time being there rather than busying myself round the house all the time). I have a lot more opportunities to spend time with my parents and friends. I am now putting efforts to work on my passions and plant myself to be an effective sister in Christ in the local church. I learnt to rest.
This 'pause' exposed my vulnerability and showed me to rely on MY mighty God everyday.